funny grandma

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man answers the phone, puts it on speaker, and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: “Hello” WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” MAN: “Yes.” WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful …

As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid. He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be. “Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?” “No, I do not,” she replied sweetly. “You were going 10mph on the highway that’…

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she came out in the divorce settlement, when she spies a lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie. The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. Then the genie informs that he will give her three…

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?” To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing befor…

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. “Perfect timing,” the cabby said. “You’re just like Bill.” “Who?” asked the man. “Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right,” the cabby said. “Like my coming along when you needed a cab,…

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. “I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Marylou’ written on it,” she said, furious. “You had better have an explanation.” “Calm down, honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week…

A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”… “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.” So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?” And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy…

A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport. As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on. She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace. A man sat down in the next seat, open…

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?” The husband laughs and says: “A gorgeous Italian girl!” The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks …

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey. After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a w…

After 37 years of marriage, Jerald dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jerald and Catherine’s multi-million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave Catherine, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st da…

There are things in the world around us that we might consider obvious and other things that might slip our attention. When we miss something that might be obvious to others, they may call us a name, perhaps even blonde. As it turns out, blondes not only have more fun, it seems that they are also the target of many …

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy: Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 1…

Two guys grow up together and are best of friends. But after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why Hoo…

Many people who work as a handyman find that it is an interesting job. They never know what they are going to run into from one day to the next and sometimes, they may even be in for a surprise or two. If there is one thing that any repairman will tell you, it’s the fact that they need to listen to what is told to t…

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.” The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that An independent adjuster will assess the va…

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls. The guy walks up and down the beach in his bathing suit and nothing. Nobody looks. He comes back to his friend and the friend says “try a speedo”. So he walks up and down the beach in his speedo. Nothing. The girls aren’t reacting. So his buddy says “take…

I ran into a buddy last month and invited him to a party. He said, “no, thanks. I don’t go to parties anymore. It’s too embarrassing.“ “What do you mean?“ “Well, I always drink too much, and when I’m drunk I think it’s funny to piss in peoples’ flower pots. Then the next day, everybody’s talking about it, and it’s t…

The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone one thing she got. “My daddy got me a Bow-Wow,” she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct …

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things – chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea …

Two nuns, Sister Dulce and Sister Andrea, are on their way back from the market one evening. It’s already very late, and they have quite a distance left before reaching their convent. Suddenly, Sister Dulce grabs hold of Sister Andrea’s arm. “Is it just me,” she asks, “or is that man following us?!” Sister Andrea gl…

A couple went for a cruise tour to enjoy their private honeymoon while leaving their children at home. Unfortunately, the cruise ship was sinking due to catastrophic weather condition. The couple finally made their way to the lifeboat area but there was only space for one person left. The man jumped onto the lifeboa…

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?” “I’m in love,” the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?” “With you!” he said. “But Johnny,” she said …

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less then a year later he was in court filing for divorce. "Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said. "Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife …

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.   The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”   The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota.”   The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow.  I’ll co…

The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the chu…

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night. The waiter …

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?” He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that…

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who…

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says “OK, just grip it like you do your husband’s member”. After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, “Wow th…

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hide under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes in…

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!” To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.” He goes out a couple of …

Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman. He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route. When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some “desert.” Joe …

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and asks him “every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?” The man replies, “I h…

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured get back $1,000.” Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought thi…

A Polish man had married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada for a year or so and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange for a divorce for him….”very quick!!!” The lawyer explained that the speed of g…

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent t…